Wow do I feel like a royal idiot for the way I handled things tonight. Not that you made any real effort either ..but after everything I'm going through, all I could say to you was "I love you." and "I miss you."
I didn't ask you why you've been doing this to me. I didn't have the courage to ask if you still even love me.Or what you've really been doing. Or how you're really feeling about stuff- about Us.
Because just having some kind of sudo-minimal contact with you, even for just those few minutes, those thoughts never made it out. And I was smiling, just because it was You.
I've turned into that girl I've always despised. That girl who lets love blind her own self-confidence in standing up for herself. I've gone through more hell than I can fathom in the last two and a half weeks. I'm 22, but I've never lived a longer 2 and a half weeks than these just passed, and that's saying a lot because I've been through a lot of messed up shit.
I just sent you an email, certainly not telling you how I'm feeling and what you've been doing to me, but, I did tell you that we needed to talk, Really talk. And again telling you I've missed you- but I'll leave the effort up to you to talk to me.
After tonight a part of me doesn't even want to talk to you anymore, even though YOU are what I desperately crave ..because I realized just what I said above, I've turned into someone I don't want to be because of the way you've been treating me, and the way I've been Letting you treat me.
I hate that my love for you has turned into dislike for myself. I want Both. I want to be the exact person I want to be, Strong, sensible but still have hope for the dreams I had for our future, and also have you in my soul. How do I do that? Can I do that? Do I have to let you go to regain that in myself, and if I did, would I loose you forever? That's not what I want. Or can we fix this together? Can we stop this go-round-ing and confide in each other the way we used to, help each other through hard times instead of be the cause of them? Do you even care? Do you even want me anymore? Your happiness is what's important to me. You know that. It always has been and no matter what, it always will be.
I'm not sure what to do for you right now- and I'm not sure what to do for myself. I only know that this can't continue like this. It's not fair to me, and not to you either.
I love you, but I don't love feeling vulnerable, a flag blowing mercilessly in your wind. I want us to stand Together, and maybe before we can do that, if we can at all, I have to stand alone.
I'm so fucking scared to do that though, because I don't want to loose you.
If you never offer a helping hand to me again, please offer one to me now. Even if it's to guide me to my own solitude,just this one last time ..help me choose the way.
You will always be in my heart forever, no matter where fate leads us.