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[18 Dec 2003|05:20am]

Well, you've gone and screwed yourself now, haven't you? You've alienated all your friends, and I'm glad. Maybe someday you'll regret you did all this. If you had any idea what the Pittsburgh crew thinks of you now, you might wish you'd treated me a little differently in front of them, because they are my friends, and they judged you on that. And now you've lost your other old friend, and I'm glad. And I know you regretted not keeping your first baby, but you've gone and done it again.

I'm so glad you're out of my life.
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[12 Jun 2003|03:50am]

Fuck you very much.
Fuck you for taking everything I love away from me. Everything YOU convinced me to love in the first place. Fuck you for making promises you couldn't keep. Fuck you for convincing me to care when you don't. Fuck you for sending my already bruised and battered heart straight into the blades of ultimate pain. Fuck you for being a coward and running when you convinced me to stand ground. Fuck you for showing me what love felt like and then throwing it in my face. Fuck you for giving me something amazing and letting it die. Fuck you for promising you'd always be there for me and turning into just another disappointment. Fuck you for Everything. Just, Fuck You.
I hope you're unhappy, because you threw away ME and I was the one that MADE you happy, unless that was a lie in which case, why the FUCK bother? What the hell could you possibly have gained?
Fuck You, Brandon Scott Mitchell. I curse the day I fell in love with you. I curse the day I believed.
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[05 Jun 2003|06:17pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

My Love.

I'm glad you told me how your feeling, and although you were being honest and that's the best thing you can do, I won't lie and say your words didn't cut right through my soul.

You don't know how you love me. Is that the confused truth, or is it a nice way of saying that you know you're not in love with me anymore?

I know what happiness is ..or was. I was happy when we fragmented our souls and shared them together. I felt complete. I felt alive. And I knew in my body, heart and soul that you made everything brighter, worthwhile, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

But if you don't feel the same way, that means that happiness is somewhere else for you. And of coarse I care about and want my own happiness, but not at the expense of yours. I know where mine is, but you go out there and find yours if it's not with me. You deserve it. And maybe, maybe if I can see you happy, maybe that will be enough to make me happy too because I'm completely in love with you ..and love isn't selfish. Love is unconditional, and you mean the world to me, but I'd rather you be happy with someone else, than not be happy with me.

But I don't want to loose you in my life. Even if we're not together, I still need you in some way. I need to see you find that happiness.

I love you forever.

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[31 May 2003|03:00am]

[ mood | restless ]

My Love.

Wow do I feel like a royal idiot for the way I handled things tonight. Not that you made any real effort either ..but after everything I'm going through, all I could say to you was "I love you." and "I miss you."

I didn't ask you why you've been doing this to me. I didn't have the courage to ask if you still even love me.Or what you've really been doing. Or how you're really feeling about stuff- about Us.

Because just having some kind of sudo-minimal contact with you, even for just those few minutes, those thoughts never made it out. And I was smiling, just because it was You.

I've turned into that girl I've always despised. That girl who lets love blind her own self-confidence in standing up for herself. I've gone through more hell than I can fathom in the last two and a half weeks. I'm 22, but I've never lived a longer 2 and a half weeks than these just passed, and that's saying a lot because I've been through a lot of messed up shit.

I just sent you an email, certainly not telling you how I'm feeling and what you've been doing to me, but, I did tell you that we needed to talk, Really talk. And again telling you I've missed you- but I'll leave the effort up to you to talk to me.

After tonight a part of me doesn't even want to talk to you anymore, even though YOU are what I desperately crave ..because I realized just what I said above, I've turned into someone I don't want to be because of the way you've been treating me, and the way I've been Letting you treat me.

I hate that my love for you has turned into dislike for myself. I want Both. I want to be the exact person I want to be, Strong, sensible but still have hope for the dreams I had for our future, and also have you in my soul. How do I do that? Can I do that? Do I have to let you go to regain that in myself, and if I did, would I loose you forever? That's not what I want. Or can we fix this together? Can we stop this go-round-ing and confide in each other the way we used to, help each other through hard times instead of be the cause of them? Do you even care? Do you even want me anymore? Your happiness is what's important to me. You know that. It always has been and no matter what, it always will be.

I'm not sure what to do for you right now- and I'm not sure what to do for myself. I only know that this can't continue like this. It's not fair to me, and not to you either.

I love you, but I don't love feeling vulnerable, a flag blowing mercilessly in your wind. I want us to stand Together, and maybe before we can do that, if we can at all, I have to stand alone.

I'm so fucking scared to do that though, because I don't want to loose you.

If you never offer a helping hand to me again, please offer one to me now. Even if it's to guide me to my own solitude,just this one last time ..help me choose the way.

You will always be in my heart forever, no matter where fate leads us.

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Fuck you Zach. I'm done with you. [31 May 2003|03:06am]

[ mood | angry ]

I don't want you to respond to this. And if you do, I'll delete it without ever reading it. It's not because I'm afraid of what you may say. I'm not afraid of you, not like I used to be. There's just nothing on earth you could say to me that would make me care. Because I don't. Not anymore.

Don't talk to me. You are broken. There's something inside of you so fucked up, a cancer, and it spreads to others. How many limbs have you had to sever in the past year or two? How many friends did you push away, and you're the one who pushed them away, but you didn't make us leave. You didn't cut us out of your life. We left yours. We left you zach, because you are a bastard and we won't take that kind of treatment. And you're the worst kind of bastard, zach. You're the Cassidy kind. You're the one that gets inside people, right into their hearts. But then you wreck it. You think we all changed? Listen to yourself speak, for fuck's sake! What are the odds of nearly all your friends changing at once? You changed zach.

No, I take that back. You didn't change. You're the same judgemental prick you always were, only it used to be that you'd judge people that we all hated. Obvious shitheads and assholes. People who would fuck with us. People who delighted in doing the wrong thing and lived to make others' lives suck. But then something did change. You turned your guns on your own friends and started shooting up the people who loved you the most. You've labled good people, some of the best I've ever met, as bad people. You call them liars and hypocrites and everything else. You are so fucked up.

I don't love you anymore. I don't like you anymore. I don't care about you anymore. And it's not because I had to force myself to not care like you do when you get pissed off. I grew to not care. I discovered I had no other option. I discovered you have absolutly no qualities I find attractive in a friend, because you don't even have loyalty, and I guess I don't know why I ever expected you to have it.. All you've got are your principles and I used to respect you for them, but now you use them as a club to beat off anyone who gets too close.

I once wrote to you that though I didn't think we could hang out like we used to, I was your friend and if you ever needed me, I'd come running. Well fuck you. I'm recinding that offer now. It's gone. I never want you in my life again, not like how you are. I thought I could at least offer to help you through facing your demons if/when you finally had the balls to face them. When you finally realize something had to change and that something was you, but I'm not going to do that anymore. And I'm not even sorry.

If you ever fucking dare to enter my life again, you had better be fixed, and you had better come with references, or I swear, I'm gonna knock you out.

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[27 May 2003|01:08am]

[ mood | confused ]

My Love:

Where have you gone? Why are you putting me through this, when you made promises to love me forever and always, and always be there for me no matter what?

Maybe I should never have listened to those promises, the words 'always' and 'forever' are never real even if people think they are at the time. If there had been a fight. If something had happened I'd understand, but as far as I know, nothing Did.

Where were you when I was more scared then I'd ever been in my entire life? When ten thousand people talked to me, but the Only voice I wanted to hear was Yours? Why didn't you care about this huge thing, when you used to care about everything?

What went wrong? Why won't you talk to me? While I'm sitting here upset, confused and hurt, where are you? Are you feeling the same way, or are you out with friends, drinking, fucking, having a good time and not even remembering me?

I just wish you'd tell me why things have changed,because now darling, I'm carrying your child and you don't even know yet. Will you even care, or will this just be an inconvienience for you because you don't love me anymore?

In my head I know I don't need you, I can do this alone, I did for 22 years before you showed up and I can do it again, but my heart doesn't believe my head yet. My heart still aches for you every second of every day. It still screams for you at night, when it's dark and I just can't find the light.

I just wish I understood why you've pulled away, everything was wonderful and suddenly- not, with No explanation. I tried to ask you ..and you hurriedly said everything was fine- and to trust you. I do, but actions speak louder than words, and your actions (or lack thereof) aren't showing me that I'm not in your heart anymore.

Just come out and say it, then. Throw me a bone, because it's so hurtful and unfair of me to have to be so confused, when you said you'd always be here. And you're not ..and I just don't understand why.

And you need to tell me soon, because my biological clock is ticking ...and I don't even know anymore if you'll care.


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Loving you so much it hurts [22 May 2003|12:44am]

[ mood | anxious ]

My Love,

Can you see how much I love you? I am so scared to be feeling this way. I love you so incredibly much, but it hurts, because I feel vulnerable, because now I feel like I have this thing and you could take it away from me, you could leave, and I would be so hurt. It almost happened, you know, you remember, how we almost broke up. But we made it through, and I'm so glad. But I've had a taste of what it's like for you to leave me, and now I hurt so much, it's so much harder for me to love you. Now I've felt that pain and I am so scared that I might have to feel it again. I wish I could love you more fully, I wish it wasn't accompanied by this terror. I want to know if you love me as much as I love you. You say you do. You seem like you do. But it's so hard to believe, that I should be so lucky, that you would actually love me. It's so hard to believe that anyone could love the way that I love you. But it must be true, I want to believe that it is. Why does it have to hurt like this? Why am I so scared? Sometimes I wish I could just marry you right now. That we could go live together, somewhere.

Love always and forever,

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[17 May 2003|01:23am]

[ mood | distressed ]


I gave you everything I had inside of me to give. Every day. All I ever wanted was to make you realize what an amazing person you are, and when you crawled inside of my soul and soothed it, I was shocked. And I didn't believe it was real because of my secrets, so I gathered my strength and revealed everything to you, expecting you to leave me.

And you didn't then. You still loved me. You still kept your nightly promises of love and a smile on both of our faces. And I was so happy. For the first time in my life I thought my dream of a fairy tale was coming true. That maybe I was here for a reason, to be happy with You.

So why after that one night when I let you do everything inside of me despite the possibly consequenses, have you broke your promises of the every night 'goodnight' and 'i love you'? Where are you now, when I've been crying for two days straight? Why can you not feel my pain from miles away when you used to, and call and talk to me until things get better? Is it me? Is it you? Why are you letting me sit here not knowing whats going on, feeling like my insides are all dying? Can't breath. Can't see tomorrow. Can't remember the feeling of security in dreams becoming reality.

Where are you now, when I need you more than ever?

I'm dying inside. And you don't even seem to notice or care. When you're everything to me.

I'll be waiting for you up there in the stars, love, if you don't come back soon. I'll go to the only other place that promises solace.

I love you ... More than anything else in this world.

Love your Cinderella. Or what once was yours ..

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[06 May 2003|11:58pm]

I know you still love me, and I know you still care.
But something feels different, and it might be all in my head, because I'm action-packed with a ton of issues resulting from a very disturbing past ...But ..just in case it's not me ..I need to know ..

..I know you still love me but ..are you still In Love with me?..If you're not ..tell me now, so I still can find the path back to the shadows that protected me for so long ...before the birds eat the bread-crum trail I left behind just in case.

Because if I dont' have you ..and I don't have my shadows ..
I have Nothing.

Love, me.
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first post... [29 Apr 2003|10:10pm]

my god cant you see that i've been in love with you for the past forever, from almost the day i met you? right now i'm talking to you but you dont know what i'm saying... you dont HEAR it. but you have to. i'm tired of pretending.
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[14 Apr 2003|12:35am]

[ mood | worried ]

Dear Boy:

This is the third night in a row now that things feel wrong. And I'm sitting here, waiting for you to get back from wherever this time, and I know you're not at work, and worrying.
When we talk things feel okay again, I go to sleep feeling optimistic and happy. But every night now things have needed fixing to get to this point. And while you're out doing whatever, I'm sitting here unable to think of anything else but talking to You.
And it's starting to drive me insane..

We click so beautifully. And our highs are really high but ..
Our lows are really low.

Talk to me. Before this gets any worse. Like ...NOW.

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[13 Apr 2003|03:14am]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Dear Britney Spears and all else like her:
Get off my radio. Get off my TV. You don't write your own music, you don't make your own decisions or have any personal passion for what you do. A computer fixes your voice in the songs so it's tolerable.
I have no respect for you. I don't want to see your face or hear your voice until it comes from your heart.

Have a nice day.

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[12 Apr 2003|03:06am]

[ mood | sad ]

Monica. Kita. Colleen. Amber. Katrina. Josie. Laura. Alex. Corey. JD. Jimmy.

I miss you all. What happened to our friendships?
Is it true what Brandon said to me tonight?
The only feeling worse than knowing no one cares, is knowing that you Don't Matter.

Did I ever matter? Did you ever matter to me? ...what is a friendship anyway, a real one?

'When I was young I'd go outside and look at the sky.
I was always afraid I was going to fall Up.'
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[11 Apr 2003|05:28am]

[ mood | calm ]

My dear boy.

I'm sorry for a moment of weakness, a moment of anger when I need to let go. I'm not strong enough of my own but You have never failed to be there when I needed someone to lean on.

Words cannot express how much I love you

And the time is very soon my darling when you'll know my secret. And I selfishly still want you to be here for me. I still want you to love me. Without your Love I am Nothing.

Held Close To my Heart,

'When I was young, I'd go outside and look at the sky.
I was always afraid I was going to fall Up.'
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[11 Apr 2003|05:17am]

[ mood | angry ]

So much I want to say to you. I don't want to say anything. I hate you. I don't hate you. I pity you. Going through life so emotionally cold. Not caring how your words and actions effect others. Not caring how badly you Fucked me up. I'm over it. I'm trying every day to live the opposite life than the one you tried to teach me because I see the way You turned out and it disgusts me. You don't know what compassion is. You don't know what Love is. I forgive you. I'll never do to my children what you did to me.
You may have given birth to me but you are Not my Mother. I love you. I feel nothing for you but sadness for the shrivveled up shrub of self-involved Hate you've embedded yourself in. You will never be a part of me.

Your not-daughter,

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